Feeling the pain inside

Hatred is a feeling of intense dislike, anger, hostility, or animosity to a person. That is what I feel right now and more so for the past long and agonizing years to a person who is my kin, my blood. Hatred destroys a person. It’s like a termite in a wood that is slowly consuming a person’s energy, goodness and sanity. It rips off all the good things about you. It makes you feel worse and evil. It drains a person’s inner self. Hatred drowns a person with so much hostility and ill or negative effects. Hatred draws one to negativity..it is a feeling you want to escape. It’s something you want to be free from because it has the ability to asphyxiate a person with evilness..Hatred that looms in one’s heart changes the person emotionally, psychologically and physically. Bearing it for quite some time makes you a lot different to the point of sometimes not knowing yourself anymore because you were too consumed by it. And what’s worst is that hatred is like cancer in which malignancy silently creeps and reaches to every inch of your soul and sadly it’s late to realize that one’s too consumed by it. It’s hard to let go. It’s difficult to cure. It may heal but it leaves a scar that will forever be a mark in a person’s life. Help me I’m drowning with so much hate in my heart! I know it’s not good but with years of being with this kin I can’t help but be consumed by it. Prayers don’t seem to help..I am hating myself for hating this person but I think she’s worth the hatred I have for her. It brings me no good. It’s making me feel one step closer to my grave. Help I’m too exhausted..so tired of escaping it and yet it haunts me like a ghost at night. Hatred runs through my nerves like blood so black it’s killing me softly…help I’m dying with hatred..forgiveness I have given to her but it slowly fades away every time she hurts my feelings and the hurt is just mounting up endlessly until I’m too tired to forgive, to understand, to analyze from every standpoint..I don’t know anymore how to forgive..I’m in so much pain from hatred..God I’m so tired..Help me heal..Help me escape oh God…